Magic

Magic: an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a natural source

This is a picture of me holding my mom's hand before she passed away.  I knew she was getting closer to the end of her physical journey here on earth but holding her hand made me feel like I was home.  At this point of her illness with Alzheimer's verbal communication  was very minimal.  She was aware of my presence but did not speak.  Prayer was our connection to each other.  Our own little world consisted of singing the rosary. She would respond to me and why wouldn't she?  After all, my parents were the people responsible for keeping faith in my heart alive, they planted the seed, nurtured it and watched it bloom.  So holding her hand was like magic.  Mama had that magical power to make me feel safe.  So it is my belief and my hope that me holding her hand was a way of reminding mama of her magic for me.

Now holding the hands of my grandchildren I often feel their magic.  Their trust is given freely whenever they hold my hand and immediately my heart smiles.  

If I am fortunate enough,  I hope that if need be,  one day they will remind me of my magic. 

Hope

Half a century and entering the autumn of my life.  Funny I don't feel that old but when I look in the mirror the grey hairs and "some" wrinkles stare back. But in my eyes I see the little girl I still am.  Still having that child like ability to fly. Lately, I have had some people close to me get some disheartening news about their loved ones.   Each one will travel a different path but most likely they will meet at some point. We all will.  Since time has passed since I too was trying to adapt to the news of my parents' final journey I am trying to do my best to remember what helped and what did not.  I do know it was extremely helpful when people would just listen to me and let me vent. But also, it was those who also fed me hope.  They would share with me their stories, their journeys and they are still standing, still breathing, still living.  Their stories gave me hope.   Hope got me through.

I am not afraid. Why? Because my parents were travelers on this path too and have found that eternal vacation spot.  This is what I choose to believe.  In my mind I don't believe that they or their essence just ended.  Nope, no way, never.  Then I think about our beginnings...when we are born.  We as human have some understanding of when life begins.  But what about the actual person.... when did they begin? At conception?  Hmmmm... Me, I believe we existed sometime before we chose to be here or were given our actual existence in this life at our birth and when our time here is finished we continue the journey somewhere else.  Our life story may be ended but not our essence, our soul, our spirit... we can't just be finished.

So, we come to my post of HOPE.  When my dad was on his ventilator and the docs were saying nothing more could be done I had to make the decision. Then the nurse in the room said to me, "right now God is preparing a room in his house for dad" and with those simple words I knew it was ok.

So my point.

never give up
never surrender

because there is more to us then meets our eye

"oh Lord you aren't done with me yet!"

This is a thought that has been skipping through my mind a lot lately.  Much to my personal disappointment I had tried getting back into the work force.  Reality hit me like a lightning bolt hits the ground.  I realized that my idea of starting a new career in the later part of my life may not be the wisest choice. Frankly, I was naive enough to think everything was still the same as when I left it over 25 years ago... Didn't it?  Don't get me wrong it's a good idea especially in today's economy and I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to work again in the public sector.  But... yes .. there is always a but... it just was not for me.  Honestly, I was a bit disappointed that my job skills were not quite up to  par.  In fact, I left the work force in the 80s so my skills were a bit outdated. The Internet was born, cell phones are now a necessity... I mean who uses a pay phone anymore?  Sigh. So I  worked hard and did online training till the wee hours of the morning to educate myself with the latest technology.  But that wasn't enough.  My heart was not into it.  I have good customer service skills and I enjoyed that part of my job but that was not enough.  Each day I found myself in despair wondering if this all that is left for me to do.  I admire the women who work outside the home while raising a family and also those who continue even after the children have grown. For me, I knew I had to be with people.  I had to do something for people and in turn they would be doing something for me.   I felt I still had a purpose.  My resume includes house cleaning, cooking,  chauffeur, team management, artist, singing campfire songs...hey hey ho ho,  teacher and friend.... There's got to be a job out there paying 100K or more for these skills... right?  I mean a mommy is really responsible for tomorrow's leaders, right?  That is worth something?  So with the help and   encouragement of my family I am still able to change career paths .... again.  Staying focus to my true self I then began my next project ... my grandchildren.  I find that the wisdom of a seasoned mom comes back. Truthfully, it's like riding a bike once you learn you never forget.  So I find myself chatting with my little grandsons like you would a friend. We talk about everything and sometimes just nonsense.  Whether they understand me or not I do think they appreciate the time we spend together.  Right now, when they do talk to me most of it is just a toddler's chat so if they think it's important enough to say it then it's important enough for me to listen.  So this week we were talking about children of different color and I was saying to my grandson that I believe that God made us all the same inside first he drew the lines and then added all the beautiful colors he could think of to make us beautiful masterpieces. 

  I do think I am a bit more patient this time around with little ones.  More patience is something I wish I had when raising my own. Jokingly, now my older children say to me..."hey, mom I don't remember you doing that with me." I reply, "I know I am just getting better".  Still I hope they understand that I loved them the best way I knew how and now my love for them is even deeper than ever before. 

So my wish at the end of days will be for God to tell me... "Lita you did good with what I gave you" ... thank you Erma Bombeck ♥

~~~~~

Enjoy the day!

Turning the corner and not knowing what to expect but will still keep walking.  I refuse to stand still and tolerate what I can and am able to change.  I am at the entrance and knocking on the door of the autumn of my life.  What I have done with my life up to now is history.  Have I made a big enough difference in this world that my presence brought a positive impact on someone? I hope so.  Now it is up to me to continue. To stay focused on what is yet to be.  I still have opportunities to continue doing good things.  I don't have to stand still and waste what time I have left.  And for now, my grandchildren are my inspiration to keep me going.

One of my favorite authors is Neil Gaiman and what he once said at a college commencement has been very inspiring to me.

A distant mountain. My goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain.... 

Make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do.

In a dream ....

Ever have a dream that maybe came true?  Today I woke up not any younger than I was but maybe a bit wiser. I had a dream last night that reminded me what was important in my life.  My children.  My life has been a simple one and that is fine. After reaching the half century mark, a feat denied to many, I more than ever respect the blessings I have been given.  I now embark on a new journey with the wisdom of a old school mama and the enthusiasm of a hip new grandma.  The spanish word for grandma is Abuela or Abuelita and as I have asked my grandbabies call me Lita. So came to be the name of this blog.  I hope to share with you my new journey and along the way meet new grandmas and grandpas and caregivers.  Afterall, we are all in the same salad bowl of life... just maybe different ingredients but still just as yummy and nutritional for the soul.  Along the way my wish is to share with you ideas, suggestions and advice for the grandparent who is in a "caregiver" mode for grandchildren. Whether we are caregiving out necessity or just because, we are all still  here for one thing:  to once again use our "mama and papa" skills for another new batch of babies.  And with that I begin this blog with:

Grandmother's prayer:

Author: Barbara Burrows

Oh Lord, I do not ask for much,
Eternal beauty, or youth, or such.
Just give me a little hand to hold,
And I'll forget that I'm growing old.

I do not ask for cloudless skies,
A life that's free from tears and sighs.
Just give me a little face to kiss,
And anxious moments will turn to bliss.

For what is there, really, that means so much
As little hands that reach and touch,
As little eyes that search and see
Only the best in fragile me?

So let me grow more loving and wise
By looking at life through their wide eyes.
For through these little ones, you have given
This grateful grandmother a glimpse of Heaven.